I Am Much Older Now

I… am…I am… much older... now.
About FOUR or three and a half.
Sick. Major 'tummach' problem.

I am suffering. The fever's in my brain. Squeezing me like a cloth. I am delirious. Saying things I am too young to remember. Or know. Like an oracle, intoxicated. I am flying. Or getting a taste of it. My first flying lesson. I am free. Flying, without wings or strings, around my room. My house. My madhouse. Seeing things, from the top. Counting heads. Having fun. Laughing. Watching my laughter become clouds and drift away.

Without wheels, I am speeding. Around a blue-green world wrapped in tissue. Clouds. Actually, my cloud-laughter.
And then sudeenly I am back in bed. Sweaty. Exhausted. Smelling of puke. But well. Pain-free. Cured.
"Happy to be alive," mom said later.

Gastro-anti-ritis. Was a heavy name for feeling awful, more so back then. But I bravely bore its heaviness.
After that I became a quiet child.
Like the old colony watchdog.
Full of secrets but mostly silent.


  1. I felt much the same after an attack of tonsillitis at age four.

  2. Secrets like... I can't tell u....

    We're the four-agers :-D/! It's the first growing up we all have to do at four... whenever that happens.

  3. Growing up, being ill was somehow always fun. Especially after my kid-sister came along. I loved the attention and the affection that seemed missing most of the times.
    But then around 6, I got terribly sick - so sick that I was shivering and hearing voices and sweating in the middle of December... I stayed that way for four days... And they ignored it; they had a lot on their minds and by the time they realized just how sick I was, the fever broke. Ironic, no?

  4. You must've really resented your kid sis.

    Did you come out all grown-up after the fever?

  5. I camt out pissed off and quiet. Much too pissed off for a 6 year old. I don't know about grown up - but that was the first time they hurt me... now they seem to've made a profession out of it :P

  6. i don't remember much of my childhood by i do remember my sister getting really sick once.. strangely it had a similar effect on me.

  7. Scout, the feeling I'm sure must be mutual ;) will hafta ask 'them'.

    Blow, mussay that's quite UNIQUE!


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